LOST SOLES: Stop Sock-Separation

British scientists have deduced that in a lifetime, the average person loses over 1,000 individual socks. That’s enough sock pairs for 500 people or half a large centipede. The money lost on those socks, when factoring in compounding interest, and lots of general guessing on our part, would be enough to fund a comfortable retirement. We don’t want you, at age ninety, living in a shack made from mostly empty beer cans, to look back with regrets so we’re giving you seven super-solid strategies for avoiding sock separation.

1. Fasten Furious

You tried the honor system long enough. Now, we get physical. Clip those two socks together with clothespins or safety pins. They’ll have to hosiery Houdini if they think they’re going to split.

2. Sack Up

We can’t prove that the washing machine and/or gremlins are eating your socks, but we can prevent it. Wash your socks in a mesh laundry bag to prevent any sock from going all Shawshank on you. We mean escaping, not that other stuff in the movie.

3. Lost & Found

This one requires faith, patience, and most importantly, a cute basket. Dedicate a small basket to abandoned single socks. As the socks' abandoning mates return, having realized that they were meant to be together all along, you go to the basket and begin the reconciliation process.

4. Socklusion

Wash socks in a socks-only load. Sometimes secluding socks from other articles of clothing prevents individual socks from escaping.

5. Batman Method

Batman doesn’t have just one costume. He has a closet full of the exact same costume. If you don’t mind a lack of variety, have a drawer full of the exact same sock. Then it doesn’t matter if the drawer count is odd or even, just grab two and head out. To the bat-mobile!

6. Don't Wear Socks

(Note to self: we sell socks, remember to delete this item before posting. 2^nd note to self; why not just delete now to avoid the risk of accidentally posting? 3^rd note to self; immediately research fantasy football roster)

7. Give Your Cat Away

House cats have mile long rap sheets when it comes to stealing and losing socks. Feline felons have no feelings, and can only learn the hard way. Sorry, Colonel Whiskers, I love you, but those were Pair of thieves.